The Fuck-it List

So for quite some time now, I’ve wanted to make a list of things I wanna do before I die…then that stupid movie, “The Bucket List,” came out and used the exact same concept. Well, considering the movie’s been out for some time & the fact that pretty much NOBODY watched it, I feel I can do this now.

These are all things I’d like to experience at least once in my life…and many of them aren’t the brightest of ideas or good for me, but at some point you just gotta say “FUCK IT” and do them. So, in no particular order, my “Fuck-it List”:

- go skydiving
- try ‘shrooms


- try eating as many different animals as I can


- have a threesome (w/ 2 chicks, obviously)
- save a life
- take a punch to the face
- get in a legit fist fight and beat the SHIT out of someone (who deserves it, of course)


- try salvia divinorum


- visit all 7 wonders of the world (old and new sets)


- have anal
- have/raise kids
- have a swordfight with real swords (or some type of weapons...axes, spears, shields, etc.), without anyone getting hurt


- travel to as many different places as I can
- have a girl deep-throat me
- (at least partially) financially support my parents
- drive a sports car really fast
- learn conversational & medical Spanish
- have sex or get head (to cumpletion) in a “public” place without anyone actually seeing us (ie: public restroom, changing room at a clothes store, etc)
- go bungee jumping
- learn to surf


- learn to dribble a basketball without looking
- go paintballing


- create or do something, anything, that will outlast me and be around long after I’m dead

I’m proud to report that I recently crossed off an item that’s been on my Fuck-it List for a long time: I took a straight shot of Everclear liquor (190 proof, that’s 95% pure alcohol). Tastes like burning.

If you have any other great ideas of things I should add to my list, I’m all urrs. Likewise, if you’re down to do any of these things: A) you’re probably slightly crazy and B) holla’ at me.

Now, I'll be the first to admit there are some things on my list that I'll probably never do, but the vast majority of them are obtainable and I hope to accomplish them more sooner than later. As we all know, life, like the oriental man's penis, is too short.

Best. X-Ray. Ever.

Well now. Since my last post, I've finished my Surgery, Family Medicine, Emergency Medicine, & Radiology rotations, debated whether I should specialize in Emergency Medicine or Anesthesiology, decided on doing Emergency Medicine, and unnecessarily capitalized at least 11 words.

I've also gotten fucked up numerous times. It's been a while, sorry to keep you waiting.

My 25th birfday came & went, and I had fun....according to the people who were there. I'll have to just take their word for it this year. I apologize to the numerous girls, single & boyfriended, that I touched, fondled, caressed, or otherwise basically turned on while I was in my blackout-mode. I would normally do all that LONG before I got that drunk.

Kinda scary being 25, but I'll save that for another post.

New year's swung around, too. I normally skip the whole "make a resolution, break a resolution, rinse & repeat" cycle, but this year I had to make one. My resolution: DO more shit. In this world, there are thinkers & there are doers (Dewer's?), and I've been thinking way too much till now. This can really pertain to anything, doesn't have to be big, but I just wanna DO the stuff I keep thinking I wanna do...shrooms, play more guitar, update my blog, get into research, salvia divinorum....whatever, I just wanna do more.

Shit gets in the way, though. For example, Street Fighter: The Later Years finished up. Enjoy:

Episode 7:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1793652

Episode 8:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1800749

Episode 9:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1804813

Finally, I leave you with a gift. These are the kinds of things I went into medicine for. Although surgery rotation sucked, it was all worth it when we took an X-ray of a male patient to find this:

Yes, it's a vibrator. You can easily see the inner workings, motor, etc. but it may be hard to see the outer casing so I ever-so-precisely outlined it in red, below:

So the moral of the story, boys and girls, is have your fun but be careful: stick something far enough up your ass, and it may not cum back out....without surgery...& the surgical team laughing at you...and a 3rd-year med student posting it on the internet.

And before you over-sensitive, goody-2-shoe fucking retards harass me about patient rights and HIPAA violations, realize that I have erased the patient's name and medical record # from the images, no rules have been broken. You fucking retards.

I really AM a friendly doctor, though. See you in the ER! =)

For Your Viewing Pleasure

Ahh, another day, another rotation down. Done with Medicine, which was surprisingly my favorite rotation so far despite not having the sick hours of Psychiatry. Anywho, I fucked up the test and will be lucky to end up with a high-pass, and therefore I don't care enough to write much here today.

Instead, here's some Akshay-Approved entertainment. Enjoy bitches:


Street Fighter: The Later Years (Greatest show ever.)
Episode 1:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1711287

Episode 2:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1727058

Episode 3:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1732680

Episode 4:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1774305

Episode 5:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1781561

Episode 6:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1790841

Super Mario Bros: The Later Years
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1757486

The Boobs-to-Brains Ratio

Listen up, kiddies. Every now and then I'm gonna drop some knowledge on yo' ass. I don't mean how to stop bleeding and intubate a dying patient, any doctor can teach you that. No, I mean those unchangeable rules and universal truths that govern our Akshay-Approved world.

Today: the boobs-to-brains ratio.

Ladies, this is basically a lesson for you, so listen up. Women have a lot of characteristics that we men (and some women, God bless them) really like. Among the top 2 for me are boobs and brains. Tits and wits. Racks and....well, you get the idea. I love a smart girl who can actually carry a conversation about something deeper than the latest Gossip Girl episode...someone who can have a heated debate, think abstractly, and be creative. In a nutshell, someone I don't constantly have to dumb myself down for. On the other hand, I love a girl with a good, firm pair of love-jugs.

Now then, the ratio.

Have you ever wondered why we get letter grades in school? Not "outstanding," or "needs improvement," or something that would actually make sense, but "B." Really, what the fuck does "B" tell you?

At the same time, shirts cum in "small," "medium," and "large." Makes sense. Womens' dresses cum in "size 2," "size 6," "size 14." Still basically makes sense. Bras? "Yeah babe, those tits need a C." What the fuck does C mean?

Those of you with the kind of brains I like are probably seeing where this is going. You gotta have SOMETHING going for you, ladies. Either be bright or be busty. This system was set up so you know how smart you need to be and how hard you need to study: your grades need to be greater or equal to your bra size.

Have A-cup boobs? Cute. But you better be worth talking to, as well. Still stuck on the second page of "See Spot Run"? No problem, as long as you rack would get me safely to shore after a shipwreck. It's really that simple. A-cuppers need a straight-"A" average, B-cups need to get a "B" average, and so on.

For all you visual learners:

This girl needs to grow up to be a doctor:




This cutie just needs straight B's, she can be a teacher:




This beauty can clean tables at a restaurant:




Finally, this girl can grow up to BE a table at a restaurant. Or a chair. It really doesn't matter. If she can just work on breathing without dying, that'd be plenty.

For all you girls out there who only date "ass-men," the concept is the same, either have the curves to stimulate our eyes or the craniums to stimulate our minds. Now, if you have BOTH...if you're walking around with a head full of knowledge and a shirt full of breast, holla at ya' boy.

But I urge you, don't be "that flat, dumb girl." Nobody likes her.

OB-HAVE

Well folks, it's been a while since the last update, but that's what happens when you go from skipping easy 6-hour classes to required 13-14 hour workdays. I miss 1st year.

In any case, the rumors are true: I'm officially a 3rd-year medical student! (Well, until NBME reminds me that I failed the Boards.) And yes, they let me rip out placentas, cut off pieces of hemorrhoids, and give pap smears. Apparently my reputation doesn't precede me...suckers.

In all surrsness, I'd make a pretty good OBGYN. I've done tons of pap smears and vaginal exams, and TWICE a patient has told me that I was "very gentle" or "did a great job," unsolicited. And you wanna talk breast exams? I found a hard lymph node today! At the end of the day, my preceptor told me I do better breast exams than she does. Cum on now, you can't throw a shark in water and expect it to drown. Titties is what I DO.

I'm a modest man, however, and I'm not tryin' to brag just to brag. I'm just letting all you ladies out there know that I take women's health very seriously and so if you ever want an at-home check-up or a lesson on how to correctly perform self-breast-exams, I'd be more than happy to lend a strictly professional hand. Or two.

Of course, I'm still ME, so 3rd year hasn't been all flying colors. Some examples:

-On my 1st day:
Pleasantly surprised to find all the residents very nice and helpful, I politely asked an attending (who was sitting at the nurse's station doing nothing) what a certain abbreviation in a chart meant. She replied, ever so politely:
"Oh, sorry, I don't usually wear my ID out. (Pulls ID out of her shirt). My name's Dr. *****, I'm an attending. That's ***** over there (points to a resident), she's a resident and she can answer any questions you have."
At this point I was a lil shocked, but before I could mutter "Umm, thanks", she went on:
"It's ok tho, people are always mixing me up w/ other people at this hospital. I've never been mistaken for her before (referring to the resident), but I guess it could happen."
Wow. Thank you, bitch.

-In the OR:
Apparently the "sterile field" only extends from your shoulders to your waist. An electric cauterizing knife hung off the patient, about a foot above the floor. Using the cord, I lift it up to put it back on the surgical tray. As I'm about to place it:
Surgeon: "Whoa! Stop!" I stop and drop the knife.
"Back away from the body." I take a step back.
"Far away." I take another step back.
"That's it, you're done. Scrub out." Fuck.

-During gyn-oncology clinic:
I'm checking for tumors, performing my third ever recto-vaginal exam. This means, in common parlance, that I have my index finger in a woman's vagina and my middle finger in her anus. As I finish inserting my middle finger all the way in, I feel a large, hard mass.
"Holy shit," I think, "this lady has a huge colonic tumor! How did it get this big without being noticed on some medical exam?"
Because, Doogie Howser, this "tumor" is nothing more than a dried-up piece of shit. Holy shit, indeed.

This is gonna be a looooong year....

Why am I so damn far behi- ...oh, right.

Boards studying is in full-swing and, as the name implies, I'm bored out of my mind. So, as much as I just wanna finish getting thru First Aid once (for the love of God), it's time for a blog-update. Feel like wasting some time, too? Leave me a comment here. It makes me feel all warm & gooey inside...my pants.

Seeing as I haven't had a drink or any fun for what feels like an eternity (over a week, at least!), I feel the need to continue re-living my uber-fun spring break. I might as well get the most out of it, considering it's one of the reasons I'm this far behind every other med student in the world in terms of Boards studying. (The other reason is that my reading skills are on par w/ a comatose dyslexic.)

So, being that we don't have the nightlife of NY, we're forced to be pretty creative fucks down in San Diego. On my 2nd night, we decided to play beer-pong, only like ping-pong. Beer-ping-pong, anyone?



If u've ever been next in line for a beer-pong table, u know how frustratingly long a game can go when both teams are shooting as if they're trying, by any means necessary, to avoid hitting a cup. (Holla at yo' boy, Brianne!) Well, now multiply THAT by the fact that accuracy drops past 0% when u're using ping-pong paddles, & u'll understand why we felt we needed to speed the game up by the end of it. So, it suddenly became a 7-person, 4-balls-in-play, cardboard-paddles-work-too, manic free-for-all.



Why on earth we thought getting that many drunkards involved would actually speed the game up is beyond me. In any case, afterwards I decided to take a ghetto-version of trip to ghetto-Tijuana, so I had my boys pour vodka and rum down my throat. Someone blow a whistle!



Mmm, I can taste the lovely combo now....tastes like losing about 20 points on the Step 1...


Of course, no SD trip of mine would be cumplete w/out a visit to Islands!



The next day, we enjoyed another Akshay-Approved classic: drunk bowling. Man, even tho I always had to set it up, and it always felt like ppl were doing me a favor by going, I really miss the drunk bowlings we used to do in NY. Some of the greatest times were during bowling, like when I hit a score-monitor w/ a bowling ball, and who could forget, "Rohit vs. the Machine!". I might have to upload those vids when i have time.

We also took a group-pic of all the kings of 1109. People often don't understand our reverence for 1109...it's sorta like the '60's folks, we have pictures we'll never be able to show & memories we'll never be able to properly explain from that magical time & place, u just sorta had to be there to get it.



Speaking of kings, when Bro & I are in town u KNOW a game of King's Cup is goin' down. We rounded up the cards & burrs and had a jolly-good time. After sitting on the sidelines and watching us get drunk every night for 4 days, my boy Sonny (who had given up alcohol for Lent) realized even Jesus would have been playing if he'd been there and so he joined in the festivities. Good call, Sonny. Easter was only 2 days away, anyways.



And the "King's Cup" was a metal pot, just to add some class to the mix:



"Drink up, Phan! No, u're not done yet...keep drinking!" *Sigh*, friendship at its best.



So by the end of the night, 1 kid got pseudo-gang-raped, 1 kid broke his Lent, and 1 kid ended up puking all over a car, the road, and the carpet. Something tells me I'm gonna be a great doctor one day.

Fools & nuggets

Well, I'm halfway thru my last-ever set of exams...for classes taught in a classroom. But my last-ever set of exams, period? Not even clizzose.

When ppl in other fields think of the medical profession, many think "Yea, it seems hard getting into med school, then you have to take a bunch of tests, but then u cum out being a doctor." That is true, in only the loosest sense. When students apply to med school, they don't always realize what they're signing up for. A life of hoops, my friend...a life of hoops. Now start jumping.

I'll walk u thru it. 1st, to get into med school you need to take an exam (MCAT), fill out apps, get letters of rec, and interview. Then u get in (whoo-hoo!).

Med school's a 4-year program (for most of us, at least), w/ the 1st 2 years being taught in classes and the 2nd 2 years being tautght in the hospitals. Our 2nd year of med school is cumming to a close this week. We had a general "diagnosing test" last Friday, a test on the Musculo-skeletal system yesterday (which, for some reason, I thought was harder than most ppl I've talked to), tomorrow is a test on Hematology, and Friday will be the last test of Microbiology & Infectious Disease. The names of the subjects change, but really it's just the same exact cycle for 2 years...skip classes, take the exam. Good riddance.

But, after that? Well, there's the mac-daddy big-swinging USMLE Step 1 exam, aka "the Boards." And then? Next year we take brutally hard "Shelf Exams" (don't ask me why they're called that) after each rotation in a hospital.

Then? We get to RE-apply to get into a residency program...this means sending in apps, letters of rec, and interviewing...just like we did to get into Med School in the 1st place! Now we have to do it to get OUT? Son of a bitch...

As u can guess, it isn't over then, either. I didn't mention the Step 2 exams, and a year after med school there's still the Step 3 exam. Wanna further specialize (called a "fellowship")? Start applying to programs AGAIN. U get the idea...

And yea, u're a "doctor" during residency, but u get paid like u work at American Eagle (sorry, Keif...love u!). Then, when u're finally 31 years old (if u went straight into med school after college...NOT the norm), when all ur college friends have had houses and cars & have been clubbing for years now, when u have a ball-n-chain by ur side (& prolly even some mini-ball-n-chains biting at ur ankles), u make ur first real paycheck and arent' someone's bitch. Congratulations, doctor...have fun spending that money on diapers & down-payments. And since the average work-week for docs is about 50-60 hrs a week, "free time" = "sleep time." U baller, u.

My points, if I have any? Being a doc is NEVER primarily about the money. There's more cash to be made, a lot quicker, in other fields like finance & law. Remember, u're broke till u're 30. For some, it's about prestige. For some, it's about helping ppl. For some, job security. For most, it's a mix of these things. Finally, NEVER go into medicince primarily for the bitches. Lemme repeat: BROKE TILL U'RE 30.

It's a good thing I'm a simple man w/ simple pleasures. Case in point, my 3rd day of spring break. I get into sweet-(adopted)-home San Diego, meet up w/ 2 of my brothers-from-another-mother, and we rush to the most important event of the week in SD: McDonald's $1 6-piece Tuesdays! Cheers, bitches:




That's all me and Bwo right thurr:




Then it's time for vodka shots & Boone's Farm. Ahh yeah...San Diego livin'...