OB-HAVE

Well folks, it's been a while since the last update, but that's what happens when you go from skipping easy 6-hour classes to required 13-14 hour workdays. I miss 1st year.

In any case, the rumors are true: I'm officially a 3rd-year medical student! (Well, until NBME reminds me that I failed the Boards.) And yes, they let me rip out placentas, cut off pieces of hemorrhoids, and give pap smears. Apparently my reputation doesn't precede me...suckers.

In all surrsness, I'd make a pretty good OBGYN. I've done tons of pap smears and vaginal exams, and TWICE a patient has told me that I was "very gentle" or "did a great job," unsolicited. And you wanna talk breast exams? I found a hard lymph node today! At the end of the day, my preceptor told me I do better breast exams than she does. Cum on now, you can't throw a shark in water and expect it to drown. Titties is what I DO.

I'm a modest man, however, and I'm not tryin' to brag just to brag. I'm just letting all you ladies out there know that I take women's health very seriously and so if you ever want an at-home check-up or a lesson on how to correctly perform self-breast-exams, I'd be more than happy to lend a strictly professional hand. Or two.

Of course, I'm still ME, so 3rd year hasn't been all flying colors. Some examples:

-On my 1st day:
Pleasantly surprised to find all the residents very nice and helpful, I politely asked an attending (who was sitting at the nurse's station doing nothing) what a certain abbreviation in a chart meant. She replied, ever so politely:
"Oh, sorry, I don't usually wear my ID out. (Pulls ID out of her shirt). My name's Dr. *****, I'm an attending. That's ***** over there (points to a resident), she's a resident and she can answer any questions you have."
At this point I was a lil shocked, but before I could mutter "Umm, thanks", she went on:
"It's ok tho, people are always mixing me up w/ other people at this hospital. I've never been mistaken for her before (referring to the resident), but I guess it could happen."
Wow. Thank you, bitch.

-In the OR:
Apparently the "sterile field" only extends from your shoulders to your waist. An electric cauterizing knife hung off the patient, about a foot above the floor. Using the cord, I lift it up to put it back on the surgical tray. As I'm about to place it:
Surgeon: "Whoa! Stop!" I stop and drop the knife.
"Back away from the body." I take a step back.
"Far away." I take another step back.
"That's it, you're done. Scrub out." Fuck.

-During gyn-oncology clinic:
I'm checking for tumors, performing my third ever recto-vaginal exam. This means, in common parlance, that I have my index finger in a woman's vagina and my middle finger in her anus. As I finish inserting my middle finger all the way in, I feel a large, hard mass.
"Holy shit," I think, "this lady has a huge colonic tumor! How did it get this big without being noticed on some medical exam?"
Because, Doogie Howser, this "tumor" is nothing more than a dried-up piece of shit. Holy shit, indeed.

This is gonna be a looooong year....