Resolution Revolution

It's not too late to start keeping your New Year's resolution, right?

About a week ago, Quagmire and I decided just that. Though I'm not personally big on making or keeping these, it's very interesting hearing others'. Almost eerie how appropriate some are...

Akshay: As my facebook status said, this year I resolve to do more shit...but just a little more shit. Basically just do more of the things I plan to. Actually go to the museums, take 30 mins out for guitar, match a residency spot. Nothing too drastic, just a lil more shit...

Quagmire: I resolve to stop bitching about things.

Booty-B: This year, I'm gonna actually do what I want. I'm gonna actually put me first, this year is about me.
Akshay: Good for you, girl. You've spent way too many years putting others before yourself, it's time to put Booty-B first. This is Booty-B's year.
Booty-B: Me! ME ME ME!
Quagmire: Well, at least we know she'll keep her resolution this year.

Many thanks to BIG Brian for the patient reminders to keep posting. My normally flawless memory fails me on the rest of the resolutions. What's yours?

1st Day of 2009

Bumpin' NYE: $200
Wake up at 1pm: $0
McDonald's as the 1st meal of the day: $2.60
Getting fucked up: $20
Farhan's curry dinner: $5

Starting the year off perfectly: priceless


Happy New Year, bitches.

The Universal Scale

It’s time again to drop some Akshay-Approved knowledge on that ass. (For those who missed the 1st time, see “The Boobs-to-Brains Ratio”.) This time: The Universal Scale.

How many times have you been in this situation? 2 of your boys are trying to describe a girl they saw to you, and they’re cumpletely disagreeing with each other.
“She really wasn’t that hot, bro.”
“Dude! She wasn’t that bad! You’re trippin’.”
“You’re an idiot. She was beat.”

Throw in the fact that one of your friends loves anything blonde whether it’s a playboy bunny or a golden retriever and your other friend is also known as “Turok: the dinosaur hunter” and you end up having no fucking clue what this girl looks like.

Enter, the Universal Scale. Everyone has their own preferences, so the Universal Scale attempts to give you a rough estimate of the level of hotness while staying as simple as possible. How simple, you ask?

It’s a scale from 1 – 10. 4 is average. 4 literally means that if you passed by this girl on the street, you wouldn’t give her a 2nd look, for any reason. You’d just keep on walking.

Anything higher than a 4, and you’d give her some degree of a 2nd look because she’s some level of attractive. Anything from 5 (“Hmm…meh”) to 8 (“DAMN, that girl fine!”) to, theoretically, 10 (Nothing to say…the perfect body. Just wipe the cum off your pants and go on with your life.) The average man knows few 8’s & very few 9’s, and there are only a handful of 10’s in the world.

Anything lower than a “4,” and you’d have to give her some sort of 2nd look, cus she’s just that ugly. This can range from a 3 (“Uggh.”) all the way down to a 1 (“DAMN! That’s the ugliest bitch I ever seen!” or “What the fuck IS that?”)

For any guy who’s asked a girl if her friend was hot, only to get the most obvious cover-up reply ever: “She’s really nice!”, you’ll be happy to know the universal scale does NOT factor in personality AT ALL.

Finally, many ask, “Why is 4 the average instead of 5?” It’s quite simple, my friend…there are more shades of pretty than ugly.

The Fuck-it List

So for quite some time now, I’ve wanted to make a list of things I wanna do before I die…then that stupid movie, “The Bucket List,” came out and used the exact same concept. Well, considering the movie’s been out for some time & the fact that pretty much NOBODY watched it, I feel I can do this now.

These are all things I’d like to experience at least once in my life…and many of them aren’t the brightest of ideas or good for me, but at some point you just gotta say “FUCK IT” and do them. So, in no particular order, my “Fuck-it List”:

- go skydiving
- try ‘shrooms


- try eating as many different animals as I can


- have a threesome (w/ 2 chicks, obviously)
- save a life
- take a punch to the face
- get in a legit fist fight and beat the SHIT out of someone (who deserves it, of course)


- try salvia divinorum


- visit all 7 wonders of the world (old and new sets)


- have anal
- have/raise kids
- have a swordfight with real swords (or some type of weapons...axes, spears, shields, etc.), without anyone getting hurt


- travel to as many different places as I can
- have a girl deep-throat me
- (at least partially) financially support my parents
- drive a sports car really fast
- learn conversational & medical Spanish
- have sex or get head (to cumpletion) in a “public” place without anyone actually seeing us (ie: public restroom, changing room at a clothes store, etc)
- go bungee jumping
- learn to surf


- learn to dribble a basketball without looking
- go paintballing


- create or do something, anything, that will outlast me and be around long after I’m dead

I’m proud to report that I recently crossed off an item that’s been on my Fuck-it List for a long time: I took a straight shot of Everclear liquor (190 proof, that’s 95% pure alcohol). Tastes like burning.

If you have any other great ideas of things I should add to my list, I’m all urrs. Likewise, if you’re down to do any of these things: A) you’re probably slightly crazy and B) holla’ at me.

Now, I'll be the first to admit there are some things on my list that I'll probably never do, but the vast majority of them are obtainable and I hope to accomplish them more sooner than later. As we all know, life, like the oriental man's penis, is too short.

Best. X-Ray. Ever.

Well now. Since my last post, I've finished my Surgery, Family Medicine, Emergency Medicine, & Radiology rotations, debated whether I should specialize in Emergency Medicine or Anesthesiology, decided on doing Emergency Medicine, and unnecessarily capitalized at least 11 words.

I've also gotten fucked up numerous times. It's been a while, sorry to keep you waiting.

My 25th birfday came & went, and I had fun....according to the people who were there. I'll have to just take their word for it this year. I apologize to the numerous girls, single & boyfriended, that I touched, fondled, caressed, or otherwise basically turned on while I was in my blackout-mode. I would normally do all that LONG before I got that drunk.

Kinda scary being 25, but I'll save that for another post.

New year's swung around, too. I normally skip the whole "make a resolution, break a resolution, rinse & repeat" cycle, but this year I had to make one. My resolution: DO more shit. In this world, there are thinkers & there are doers (Dewer's?), and I've been thinking way too much till now. This can really pertain to anything, doesn't have to be big, but I just wanna DO the stuff I keep thinking I wanna do...shrooms, play more guitar, update my blog, get into research, salvia divinorum....whatever, I just wanna do more.

Shit gets in the way, though. For example, Street Fighter: The Later Years finished up. Enjoy:

Episode 7:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1793652

Episode 8:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1800749

Episode 9:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1804813

Finally, I leave you with a gift. These are the kinds of things I went into medicine for. Although surgery rotation sucked, it was all worth it when we took an X-ray of a male patient to find this:

Yes, it's a vibrator. You can easily see the inner workings, motor, etc. but it may be hard to see the outer casing so I ever-so-precisely outlined it in red, below:

So the moral of the story, boys and girls, is have your fun but be careful: stick something far enough up your ass, and it may not cum back out....without surgery...& the surgical team laughing at you...and a 3rd-year med student posting it on the internet.

And before you over-sensitive, goody-2-shoe fucking retards harass me about patient rights and HIPAA violations, realize that I have erased the patient's name and medical record # from the images, no rules have been broken. You fucking retards.

I really AM a friendly doctor, though. See you in the ER! =)

For Your Viewing Pleasure

Ahh, another day, another rotation down. Done with Medicine, which was surprisingly my favorite rotation so far despite not having the sick hours of Psychiatry. Anywho, I fucked up the test and will be lucky to end up with a high-pass, and therefore I don't care enough to write much here today.

Instead, here's some Akshay-Approved entertainment. Enjoy bitches:


Street Fighter: The Later Years (Greatest show ever.)
Episode 1:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1711287

Episode 2:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1727058

Episode 3:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1732680

Episode 4:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1774305

Episode 5:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1781561

Episode 6:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1790841

Super Mario Bros: The Later Years
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1757486

The Boobs-to-Brains Ratio

Listen up, kiddies. Every now and then I'm gonna drop some knowledge on yo' ass. I don't mean how to stop bleeding and intubate a dying patient, any doctor can teach you that. No, I mean those unchangeable rules and universal truths that govern our Akshay-Approved world.

Today: the boobs-to-brains ratio.

Ladies, this is basically a lesson for you, so listen up. Women have a lot of characteristics that we men (and some women, God bless them) really like. Among the top 2 for me are boobs and brains. Tits and wits. Racks and....well, you get the idea. I love a smart girl who can actually carry a conversation about something deeper than the latest Gossip Girl episode...someone who can have a heated debate, think abstractly, and be creative. In a nutshell, someone I don't constantly have to dumb myself down for. On the other hand, I love a girl with a good, firm pair of love-jugs.

Now then, the ratio.

Have you ever wondered why we get letter grades in school? Not "outstanding," or "needs improvement," or something that would actually make sense, but "B." Really, what the fuck does "B" tell you?

At the same time, shirts cum in "small," "medium," and "large." Makes sense. Womens' dresses cum in "size 2," "size 6," "size 14." Still basically makes sense. Bras? "Yeah babe, those tits need a C." What the fuck does C mean?

Those of you with the kind of brains I like are probably seeing where this is going. You gotta have SOMETHING going for you, ladies. Either be bright or be busty. This system was set up so you know how smart you need to be and how hard you need to study: your grades need to be greater or equal to your bra size.

Have A-cup boobs? Cute. But you better be worth talking to, as well. Still stuck on the second page of "See Spot Run"? No problem, as long as you rack would get me safely to shore after a shipwreck. It's really that simple. A-cuppers need a straight-"A" average, B-cups need to get a "B" average, and so on.

For all you visual learners:

This girl needs to grow up to be a doctor:




This cutie just needs straight B's, she can be a teacher:




This beauty can clean tables at a restaurant:




Finally, this girl can grow up to BE a table at a restaurant. Or a chair. It really doesn't matter. If she can just work on breathing without dying, that'd be plenty.

For all you girls out there who only date "ass-men," the concept is the same, either have the curves to stimulate our eyes or the craniums to stimulate our minds. Now, if you have BOTH...if you're walking around with a head full of knowledge and a shirt full of breast, holla at ya' boy.

But I urge you, don't be "that flat, dumb girl." Nobody likes her.